On how gay men are going to marry your girlfriends

So, recently proponents of gay marriage (ie, gay people) decided to take a different tactic to convince people of their cause...

And not to be out done, of course there's this counterpart...

Haha, get it? It's funny because gay men act like women (thus they are perfect matches!) and gay women act like men (and thus are perfect matches!). Okay, I actually really enjoyed the videos. But why must gender stereotypes be so pervasive that even gay people get clumped (reversely....) into them? Nothing can escape gender boxes. Did you see New Normal last week?  Here, let me catch you up:

Last week's episode was about finding out the sex of the baby. When they found out they were having a boy, Bryan freaked out because how would he relate to a boy?! Don't worry, it ended with Bryan teaching a football team how to cook (and realizing he could teach boys to do girl things so really he had nothing to worry about). Really, Ryan Murphy, really?

See, it's the NEW normal. Oh wait, no it's not. It's just two men pretending to be the old normal. Just another show with gender stereotypes. I guess it's the only way we can process relationships. But it doesn't have to be.  IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.




PS- Chocolate baked mousse was.. okay.  These brownies? DELICIOUS.

On what I am thankful for

I don't know if you know this, but Thanksgiving is a few days away. Regardless of the fact that Medicare doesn't believe in holidays, I do. And I'm working on Saturday just so I can eat and sleep and watch football and be thankful for delicious stuffing. I write this to you as something very delicious is baking in my oven. Something that smells so magical my mind is hardly able to think of anything else.

What is this magical thing? Chocolate baked mousse. Now, maybe you've never had mousse before.  Maybe you don't know in the hierarchy of desserts, it is king. It eats pies for breakfast, stomps on pudding, and laughs at cakes (even the cup kind). I love desserts. But I just don't understand desserts that don't have chocolate. Let me illustrate my feelings.

Don't get me wrong. There are outliers (see above) but in the grand scheme of things, the less chocolate it has the less it is worth eating to me.  Apple pie? Delicious. But if I eat it, it's going to be one of my fruits and vegetables for the day.

In conclusion, my chocolate baked mousse may not be the best thing I've ever made. It may be not fluffy at all. I may just end up as a blob.  But at least it will be a blob of chocolate. And for that, I am thankful.

On the never ending cycle

I really like my job.  I like (most) of my coworkers, it is very laid back, I like (most) of my patients, I have great hours, I'm finally getting the hang of everything so I am not nearly as overwhelmed as I was when I started.  Even though I really like my job, I recently had a bit of a freak out.  While getting my 401K set up, after some quick calculations (I'm 25 now... 65 when I retire..), I realized I was going to be working at least until 2052.  Twenty-fifty-two. That's so far in the future it doesn't even sound like a date. That's when I realized I have entered a never ending cycle.

The monotony of work was suddenly crushing me. In school you have set semesters, with set breaks between them.  Tired of a waking up early? Well, we are going to have 4 weeks off for winter break. And it's not just that I miss the breaks between semesters.  I was prepared for that. I realized that was going to end.  It's the fact that in January I will not be starting something new. Now I am going to be doing the same thing for 40 years.

I guess it's not always the same, though. While I may give out the same exercises, I learn something new pretty much every day.  Like when my patient told me she knew her roommate was a Yankee because she used too much toilet paper.  Before this, I had no idea Yankees used too much toilet paper; now I can spot a Yankee a roll of toilet paper away. She then taught me how to fold the toilet paper (rather than ball it up) so that I wouldn't be confused for a Yankee. Now that kind of education does not happen every day.

On how I may have spoken too soon

Remember this?

Funny story.

So, on each hall that the residents live on, there is one hand washing station for all the nurses, etc. The soap dispenser at this station looks a lot like this:

You may be familiar with this dispenser.  In case you aren't, here's how you work it.

Now for months, hall three has been out of soap.  Months being as long as I have been working there.  Then, hall one ran out of soap.  AND THEY NEVER REFILLED IT.  I was so disgusted by the fact that all of the nursing staff was not washing their hands that I didn't know what to do with myself.  I mean, how gross is that? How can a place be out of soap for months? Can you imagine what kinds of things they touch without washing their hands? There was hand sanitizer... but sometimes you NEED to wash your hands. I would judge and judge and judge people on the long walk from hall three back to the therapy gym where I could finally was my hands with good old soap and water. On Friday, here's what happened:

It appears I may have been a little early in my judgement over the difficulty of soap dispensers. My patients may not be able to figure out automatic soap dispensers, but clearly, I can't figure out the manual ones.

On the best marketing scheme. ever.

So, I recently made a wonderful discovery. Hair cuts at cosmetology school. How I lived 25 years of my life without this knowledge is beyond me.  I have never been that high maintenance with my hair cuts and I have always been cheap. Needless to say, after discovering the wonderful land of institutes of hair design, my life was quite changed.

1) It's cheap.
2) You can walk in on a Saturday and there's no wait.
3) If you do make an appointment, they were ready for you when you get there (and don't seem to "forget" I made an appointment and make me wait 2 hours. Thanks Shannon)
4) All of the student's work was awkwardly "checked over" by her supervisor (which let's face it, most people could use some good quality control, even if they aren't students)

When the supervisor was checking over the student's work, he suggested I try a certain shampoo they were selling because my hair "needed it". I was so over joyed by the experience that I decided to take his advice. I was saving so much money; plus I have never had real salon shampoo.  It comes in a tiny, shiny bottle, so it must be nice.  Suave may think there's no difference, but I was about to see for myself.

Oh it looks so FANCY!

As I was checking out, the supervisor said "Even if you don't notice a different after the first bottle, keep using it."

BRILLIANT.

Who needs 100% satisfaction guaranteed? That implies the product works.  "Just keep using it" should be the tagline for every product. It ensures repeat costumers with no promise of actually working.

So, have I noticed a difference from the shampoo? Duh, that's not the point. I'm going to keep using it anyways.

On how the government ruined my lunch

I've always been taught that, generally, it's a good idea to steer clear of a few topics at work.  Religion.  Politics.  And what exactly hot dogs are made of.  Generally, people already have formed opinions of the world and not only does getting into a "discussion" (yelling match) of different views fail to convert anyone, it also usually leads to a slightly strained working environment.  This is why when I came in a for a week (A WEEK) last month and the TV in the gym was turned to Fox News I didn't say anything.  I mean, on the one hand, Fox News is fair and balanced.  On the other hand anybody who watches Fox News probably thinks that "my family" and I are single handedly ruining all things that are good and pure in the world.

It has come to my attention that not all of my coworkers have been taught this very important life lesson.  Lunch is always a special time where you make some pretty big life decisions based on where you sit.  For me the choices include:
1) Alone at my "desk" (table)
2) At somebody else's desk in the office area
3) In the kitchen at the table

Clearly, for comfort's sake, the kitchen table seems most appropriate.  But then, who sits next to you?  That can make or break your lunch period.  On Friday, a patient bought us pizzas and we all crowded around the kitchen table.  As one of my coworkers was checking her phone for facebook updates and saw that Michelle Obama would be visiting soon, she shared it with the rest of the table.  In response, another coworker leaned over to coworker number one and responded with "Why do I care?"  And then proceeded to rant about how her friend lives in New York City and can't order a soda bigger than 16 oz and why does the government want to control all her choices?  America is about freedom!  Why can't the government just let people make their own choices?

Yes, why can't the government let people make their own choices?  Wow. That sounds familiar.  Like how I feel about things other than Pepsi.  Like... gay marriage.  And abortion.  Due to aforementioned life lesson, I had to use all of my will power to hold in my opinions.  Unfortunately for you guys, I have no qualms with sharing my feelings with you.  So, I would like to now, in cartoon form, share with you my opinions.  Let's take a quick look at the long lasting effects of government making decisions for you.

Yes. Clearly your soda is important.

On dressing up and dressing down

Some of my patients wear real clothes to see me, but others wear this..

Which means when they ride the bike, I have to find a sheet to put over their legs.
"Honey, I'm 82! I don't care who sees me!"
But everybody else does.

So, it was surprising to me to find out how much my patients care when they have a doctor's appointment.

Patient: "When is it?"
Me: "Sometime today."
Patient: "When are they picking me up?"
Me: "Sometime today."
Patient: "I need to shower! I need clean clothes! I need a razor to shave my legs!"

I pick up your leg every day.  You don't need to shave for me?

It appears this is how they think the world is set up:

"I only wear bras to the doctor and to church."

Seriously, somebody actually said that exact phrase to me yesterday.  With no prompting.  Awesome.

On the hetero-sanctity of marriage

I've been gone for a while.  I apologize.  But I've been busy.  For one, we decided to paint our bedroom furniture.  While this sounded like a great idea at the time, it turned out to be quite a time consuming process (and one that is still not completed).  What have I learned from this epic adventure?

1) Drawers that look like mazes that have been forged in the fiery furnaces of Mordor with their tiny crevices are generally harder to paint than smooth surfaces (ie, walls).

2) The darker the wood the more coats of primer you need.  And primer isn't fun to paint.

Tada.  At least the dressers are finished.

And... 4 coats of primer and 2 coats of paint later.

I've spent every other moment of free time attending weddings in what will be henceforth known as the summer-of-everybody-I-know-is-getting-married.  With six down, two to go, we are going for a record eight (8!) weddings in one calendar year.  I was impressed when it was seven, but with a last minute wedding addition in November, I think the record is safe.

Generally, I love weddings.  They are fun, people are happy, and there's free beer. But it's hard to go to a wedding when you're gay.  For one, I live in a state where I can't get married and it's hard to put that aside and celebrate with people who are legally allowed to do something that I am not.  It's like going to a bar and watching your best friend have a beer when you are only 20, except on your next birthday you'll still not be able to drink that beer unless you move states and even then you get a watered down beer at best.

Anyways, I digress.  It's also hard because everything about weddings is extremely gendered. Girls go to the bridal shower and boys look at strippers.  Brides get walked down the aisle by their fathers and are given away like cattle.  The happy couple is introduced as "Mr. and Mrs. Husband's Full Name" (really? that still happens?). Bible verses are read about the importance of marriage and how women were created from a man's rib or something.  Look, I'm not saying you should wait to get married until everybody can get married (though, let's be honest, that is the only fair option), I'm just saying it highlights how gay people are different than straight people and that's lame.

I guess in the end, the weddings I've been going to are not about me (what?! WHAT?!) and I need to get over it.  So to all the happy couples... I hope nobody ever tears you asunder.

On why scrubs are awesome

Scrubs are like wearing your pajamas to work!

Look how happy they are to be wearing scrubs!  This is how I look all day.

Only if your pajamas were covered in poop and MRSA.

And this is why I wash my hands after changing out of them.

Also, they are more expensive than pajamas.  Which is why I only have five pairs.

On why automatic soap dispensers are my new enemy

One of the most amazing things about PT is how it makes people poop.  I mean, you get somebody up and walking that doesn't walk very much and things get moving (and I'm not talking about their legs).  With so much pooping, I have one very important question.  No, it's not why everybody's poop smells the same (same food?  same medicine?), though I do wonder.  What I want to know is why they would install automatic soap and paper towel dispensers in bathrooms that would clearly be used by those over the age of 65.  Why do I wonder this?  Because this is what I deal with all day:

I feel like I'm trapped in the first 30 minutes of 2001 space odyssey.

It's in the computer?!

Eventually I procure the magical soap and give it to them.  I understand the need for sanitation in health facilities.  And I understand that having a soap dispenser that doesn't require touching is important for decreasing the spread of germs.  But, for the time it wastes in my day I think it would be worth taking another look into the matter.  I mean, they end up touching the entire dispenser anyways.  There might as well be a button.

On things you wouldn't ask a straight person

Straight relationships are steeped in tradition.  Gender roles, marriage, breeding... people generally know what to expect.  When this breaks down, people have questions.  No matter how many times I am asked these questions, I still have no idea how to respond.  

For instance:

Since this question is usually followed by "Who does the cooking?" and "Who fixes things around the house?" I'm assuming they want to know who does the traditionally male activities. You could, I suppose, ask anybody in a straight relationship this question.  But people don't.  

Or:

Maybe we should save the engagement questions for after it happens?

And, my personal favorite...

I mean really.  Not "Are you going to have babies".  But "How".  How are YOU going to have babies?

In conclusion, I will leave you with this short letter:

Dear Breeders,

Yes, my relationship may be different from yours.  But it doesn't mean you need ask very specific details about it.

Love.

Gay people 

On why I yell all day

A normal day for me:

And then...

In the afternoon...

I'm not sure why my patients can't hear me.  It doesn't seem like anybody else has this problem.  But I spend all day yelling.  And repeating.  And yelling.  And repeating.  I initially thought it was some sort of new person hazing process- let's give the new girl all the people that can't hear!  But, I think I've figured it out now.  They were worried about how I was doing, so they gave me patients that would make me yell all day. This way, everybody in the gym knows exactly what I am doing and saying.  Everybody can keep an eye on me without me knowing.  

Good try guys.  

I'M ON TO YOU.

On why people make me need beta blockers

I spent a lot of time in the car this weekend.  A lot of time.  And every time I find myself in the car for a long time, I find myself wondering why driving is so confusing for people.  I suppose there are a lot of rules of the road.  Speed limits, yellow lines, white lines, broken white lines, broken yellow lines, stop signs, traffic lights, yield signs... I mean, I guess that could be overwhelming.  But really, it's not that confusing.  For instance, which lane is for passing?

Or, where do you park to get gas versus take a poop?

See?  Not that hard.

On my first day of work

Today I started my very first real job.  I spent the morning completing some of my orientation which consisted of online modules.  Online modules- now that is something I am prepared for.  There were even multiple choice questions at the end!  Unfortunately, I got them wrong because I was trying to complete the orientation in an office with other people.  Apparently I need my learning environment to be very quiet for me to retain anything.  After making my way through the modules, I treated three patients.  Yes, on my very first day they let me treat patients.  And, with no crying and no falls, I'm glad I survived.

By far the weirdest thing was not having anybody required to read over my notes.  As a student physical therapist, every note that I wrote was excessively edited and cosigned by my clinical instructor.  Now, nobody cared what I wrote.

Where was my editor?  Who was going to go through my note word by word and change each one until they thought it sounded intelligent?  Treating the patients by myself wasn't that scary because a lot of my instructors let me treat patients on my own with them hovering nearby.  But being able to document all by myself?  That's scary.  That medical record is kept forever.  Um, I'm really going to need somebody to proof read that for me.  I'm not so good with the spelling.

On the diversity of HGTV

I start a new job on Monday and for the first time in my life, I am going to have positive income...

Because of this, I have decided to make a few upgrades in my life.  Like, turning the A/C on.  It's hot.  Also, cable.  I love TV and the past 3 years without it have been a test of will power (and using my friends for their TVs).  For responsibilities sake, I should have waited until the positive income actually started, but instead I decided to get cable a few weeks early.  I was AMPED.  I mean, my cable company was running a special where I got extra channels for free AND they were going to install a box in my house.  When I heard "extra channels" I assumed there would be "extra channels" and when I heard "box" I assumed it would be able to record.  On both counts I was wrong.  The "extra channels" were just the same channels in HD which is super helpful as I do not have a HDTV.  And the box required a VCR to record despite the fact that the remote they gave me has a record button on it.  Why? Why would they do that to me?

Despite my disappointments, I have very much enjoyed my cable.  I mean, Amy Sheman-Palladino has a new show on ABC Family! New season on White Collar!  Chopped!  Yes, yes, and yes.  I was also very excited about watching HGTV and planning all the wonderful things I could do to my house if I had a house.  I love HGTV.  I think it is by far the most diverse channel on TV.  They have every kind of person on House Hunters- different races, different religions, different sexual orientations.  (Of course, the international version has an annoying large portion of people with entirely too much money... "ahh well, we only have 4 million for our second home...")

I was excited about watching My First Place because I haven't had my first place yet and I figured they would be on a similar budget as me.  Unfortunately, I have found the people on My First Place to be entirely annoying.  On House Hunters, no matter how horrid the house is that they show them, the buyers always find nice things to say about the house.  On My First Place, these people have unrealistic expectations and take it out on the real estate agent.

And why must every husband or soon to be husband need a man cave?  You can't watch TV with your wife?

And then they get to the kitchen.  What century am in?  Did they secretly film these in the 50's?

After which, I hear the wife say "Yeah, I think it's big enough."  Whaaaaaat?! How about you tell your husband to get out of his leather recliner in his "man cave" and do the dishes for himself because he's a giant tool.  I wanted to throw my table at the TV.  So I guess HGTV does have every type of person, sexist and all.

Pilot

After years of a being a student, I enter into the real world on Monday.  Needless to say, I feel a bit overwhelmed and underprepared, and thus have decided to share my experiences with the world.  After all, there's nothing more entertaining than hearing about other people's awkward stories as they enter into a new phase of their life.

For the past thirteen years of grade school, four years of undergrad, and three years of grad school I have been trained and raised to perform well in the classroom.  I can listen to hours of lectures without falling asleep, I can pretend to read textbooks, and I can rock out some multiple choice tests.

Unfortunately, all of these qualities are no longer needed.

I will also use this platform to share my unsolicited opinion on all things great and small.  Because I, like everybody else on the internets, feel like I am super important and everybody should care what I think.  So I hope you enjoy.